Sometimes, I feel trapped. Maybe it's the somewhat bubble-esque dynamic of the place where I live. Maybe it's just pre-senior year anxiety. But what if it's more? What if it's some kind of downward-spiraling vortex dragging me towards negativity and constant angst? I'm probably overreacting, because this feeling has really only been at a heigh for the past week or so. And while it's probably just that it's the beginning of summer and I don't really know what to do with myself because I suddenly have all of this time on my hands, I don't want to let it fester or embellish itself somewhere deep in my personality.
I thrive on positivity.
Plain and simple, I do not like negative things. While I understand their necessary existence (to serve as a point of contrast for things which are positive), I would rather not deal with them. I thrive on positivity. I like things that are constructive; that have an end product, a result. This past week I've felt kind of panicked, which is, in my opinion, weird word choice, because I don't like to think of myself as being a person who "panics". But it's more of that internal, oh my God the world is spinning out from under my feet and I'm losing all control kind of panic...if that makes any sense.
You see, I have to (and not with the negative connotation of "have to", but rather it's one of those things that's coming up in the near future) apply for college soon, and the sooner the better. I don't want to be swamped with work in the fall, so I'm going to try to apply over the summer. I'd really like to say that I'm excited, or that I'm terrified, or that despite being being one, I'm the other, but really, all I have is this underlying sense of panic. Like I said, it's like the world is slipping out from underneath me, and I have NO SAY in it! It is so frustrating. I really want to have a strong hold of my reality, thus enabling me to feel as though I have a better grasp of what my future might be, but instead, my head is spinning like I'm on some kind of rogue tea cup ride at Disney Land and the ride operator is on an open-ended lunch break. I feel like I want to scream out at the world to "STOP! WAIT! Hold on for a minute so that I can figure this all out!"...
But No. That isn't how life works.
I have this loft in my house that I go and sit in to paint, draw, think, anything really. It's like my own personal space to just be. And I was sitting up there the other day, and there was this really pretty light coming through the window, and I finally just felt such peace. I had this kind of epiphany moment where I realized something really true...
If you spend all of your time dreaming about what life could be, or about some far away future, you aren't living in the present, and you will never be happy.
Maybe that isn't as profound as I think it is, or maybe it's way more obvious than I realize, but to me, in that moment, it was just the thought that I needed. And no matter how obvious, plain, or simple it may be, it's true! If we can't live in the moment, and in the present (sorry for the cliche), then how will we ever reach a future? How will we know when we've reached our "happy place" or our destination in life? The truth is, we won't. The world might be spinning faster than our feet or our heads can keep up with, but it isn't going to slow down so that we can catch up. The universe has bigger plans than one single person, but one single person does contribute to what the universe is. We may find ourselves lost in stress, anxiety, and panic, but we will find relief in the moments of peace, serenity, and calm. I guess a moment of panic can be a blessing in disguise, and, in truth, can be God's way of getting our attention.
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