Sometimes, I feel trapped. Maybe it's the somewhat bubble-esque dynamic of the place where I live. Maybe it's just pre-senior year anxiety. But what if it's more? What if it's some kind of downward-spiraling vortex dragging me towards negativity and constant angst? I'm probably overreacting, because this feeling has really only been at a heigh for the past week or so. And while it's probably just that it's the beginning of summer and I don't really know what to do with myself because I suddenly have all of this time on my hands, I don't want to let it fester or embellish itself somewhere deep in my personality.
I thrive on positivity.
Plain and simple, I do not like negative things. While I understand their necessary existence (to serve as a point of contrast for things which are positive), I would rather not deal with them. I thrive on positivity. I like things that are constructive; that have an end product, a result. This past week I've felt kind of panicked, which is, in my opinion, weird word choice, because I don't like to think of myself as being a person who "panics". But it's more of that internal, oh my God the world is spinning out from under my feet and I'm losing all control kind of panic...if that makes any sense.
You see, I have to (and not with the negative connotation of "have to", but rather it's one of those things that's coming up in the near future) apply for college soon, and the sooner the better. I don't want to be swamped with work in the fall, so I'm going to try to apply over the summer. I'd really like to say that I'm excited, or that I'm terrified, or that despite being being one, I'm the other, but really, all I have is this underlying sense of panic. Like I said, it's like the world is slipping out from underneath me, and I have NO SAY in it! It is so frustrating. I really want to have a strong hold of my reality, thus enabling me to feel as though I have a better grasp of what my future might be, but instead, my head is spinning like I'm on some kind of rogue tea cup ride at Disney Land and the ride operator is on an open-ended lunch break. I feel like I want to scream out at the world to "STOP! WAIT! Hold on for a minute so that I can figure this all out!"...
But No. That isn't how life works.
I have this loft in my house that I go and sit in to paint, draw, think, anything really. It's like my own personal space to just be. And I was sitting up there the other day, and there was this really pretty light coming through the window, and I finally just felt such peace. I had this kind of epiphany moment where I realized something really true...
If you spend all of your time dreaming about what life could be, or about some far away future, you aren't living in the present, and you will never be happy.
Maybe that isn't as profound as I think it is, or maybe it's way more obvious than I realize, but to me, in that moment, it was just the thought that I needed. And no matter how obvious, plain, or simple it may be, it's true! If we can't live in the moment, and in the present (sorry for the cliche), then how will we ever reach a future? How will we know when we've reached our "happy place" or our destination in life? The truth is, we won't. The world might be spinning faster than our feet or our heads can keep up with, but it isn't going to slow down so that we can catch up. The universe has bigger plans than one single person, but one single person does contribute to what the universe is. We may find ourselves lost in stress, anxiety, and panic, but we will find relief in the moments of peace, serenity, and calm. I guess a moment of panic can be a blessing in disguise, and, in truth, can be God's way of getting our attention.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Bittersweet Goodbyes for the sake of New Beginnings
This afternoon I went to my high school's graduation to say one last final goodbye to all of our seniors. The past two years I've been in high school, I haven't been particularly close with the upperclassmen, but this year was really different. I do high school cheer, and I was also in our school musical, and there were a considerable amount of seniors in both of those groups. It was really weird to watch all of these people who I've sat next to in class, stood on the sidelines next to, and made on and off-stage memories with for the past 9 months walk across the stage and get their diplomas...I mean it would seem weird to walk past them in the halls tomorrow, but it still hasn't hit me that they're going to be gone! I love this year's seniors so much. I wish I could rewind time so that I could relive some of the memories, and not have to watch them all go away to college and out into the world.
But I know that it's all for a reason. I know that it's time for them to say goodbye to high school, and move on to bigger and better things. Because that's the only way that we really get anywhere in life. We have to burst through our bubbles, and break down the walls that make us feel safe and secure. We have to move on.
Since I'm going to be a senior this year, I've really been thinking a lot lately about the past few years of high school. It's funny, because I remember being an 8th grader, and coming on my high school tour with a freshman and thinking, "oh my god...they're FRESHMAN...they're so old and smart and they're in HIGH SCHOOL!" Then, before I knew it, I was a freshman, and I was thinking to myself, "holy crap, the seniors are so old. They're gonna go off to college this year, and then be adults in the real world". And now...I'm going to be a senior, and I honestly don't feel like I'm very old at all! I keep wondering if the incoming freshman are going to look at me and think that I'm so old, and that I'm so grown up, and really, in the grand scheme of things, I'm just a kid! I feel like I am fairly responsible and mature and insightful, but at the same time, I have SO MUCH that I still need to learn before I could really make it in this world. It's just kind of weird to think about it all. I feel like yesterday i was in kindergarten playing with Lincoln Logs and building blocks, and now I'm going to start applying for college! It's crazy how fast time goes.
And that's another thing. I mean with all the seniors going off to college, I keep thinking, "No! Make the time slow down! Just let me have a few more moments with them before they run off and start this whole new chapter of their lives!" But time doesn't care about what we want. It doesn't take into consideration the things we still wanted to do before a deadline comes around or another date is suddenly looming on the horizon. Time just keeps on going. It's something that you can always depend on, and it's something that can leave you falling behind the moment you lose track of it.
Time pushes us. It pushes us right out of our bubbles, and right through our walls. It forces us to move on, whether we want to or not. Time is bittersweet.
And just as it told those beloved seniors that 3pm, on Sunday, June 9th, 2012 was time for them to move on, Sunday night at quarter till 11 is telling me the same. So until time has us meet again, good night! (:
But I know that it's all for a reason. I know that it's time for them to say goodbye to high school, and move on to bigger and better things. Because that's the only way that we really get anywhere in life. We have to burst through our bubbles, and break down the walls that make us feel safe and secure. We have to move on.
Since I'm going to be a senior this year, I've really been thinking a lot lately about the past few years of high school. It's funny, because I remember being an 8th grader, and coming on my high school tour with a freshman and thinking, "oh my god...they're FRESHMAN...they're so old and smart and they're in HIGH SCHOOL!" Then, before I knew it, I was a freshman, and I was thinking to myself, "holy crap, the seniors are so old. They're gonna go off to college this year, and then be adults in the real world". And now...I'm going to be a senior, and I honestly don't feel like I'm very old at all! I keep wondering if the incoming freshman are going to look at me and think that I'm so old, and that I'm so grown up, and really, in the grand scheme of things, I'm just a kid! I feel like I am fairly responsible and mature and insightful, but at the same time, I have SO MUCH that I still need to learn before I could really make it in this world. It's just kind of weird to think about it all. I feel like yesterday i was in kindergarten playing with Lincoln Logs and building blocks, and now I'm going to start applying for college! It's crazy how fast time goes.
And that's another thing. I mean with all the seniors going off to college, I keep thinking, "No! Make the time slow down! Just let me have a few more moments with them before they run off and start this whole new chapter of their lives!" But time doesn't care about what we want. It doesn't take into consideration the things we still wanted to do before a deadline comes around or another date is suddenly looming on the horizon. Time just keeps on going. It's something that you can always depend on, and it's something that can leave you falling behind the moment you lose track of it.
Time pushes us. It pushes us right out of our bubbles, and right through our walls. It forces us to move on, whether we want to or not. Time is bittersweet.
And just as it told those beloved seniors that 3pm, on Sunday, June 9th, 2012 was time for them to move on, Sunday night at quarter till 11 is telling me the same. So until time has us meet again, good night! (:
Sweet Dreams,
-Nicki
Just starting out
So I'm really excited because this is my first blog post! I'm also kind of nervous because I don't know how it's going to turn out. In any case, I'll just start out by giving a little background.
I've never really been the blogger type, but I've always loved writing and putting together little projects, and this seemed like a good opportunity to do so. I've kind of written in a few different journal-type notebooks over the past few years, but never really kept a consistent one. I've had a few where I just wrote a few entries and then got bored and lost it somewhere in a drawer somewhere. I have one, which is the most recent one I've written in, which I've kept somewhat of a consistent style in, but I only made like 5 or so entries, and they were more thoughtful than substantial. Anyways, though, I'm excited that I've finally gotten around to doing this, and I hope something good actually comes out of it!
Since this is my first post, it probably makes sense to explain a bit about the title of this blog, "Of Stolen Values and Lost Perspective". I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, what with moving towards college and some of the other big life steps, and looking back on this year, I've probably never gained so much perspective in so little time. A lot of the ways in which I view the world, other people, and myself (as cheesy as that may sound), have changed, and I honestly think I've become somewhat of a different person. Everyone says that Junior year is the toughest, and that it's the year that sets you up for college, and ultimately, the rest of your life. Well, I think everyone might have been right. I don't think I've ever come to the close of a year, looked back, and thought, "oh my sweet lord...how did so much happen in ONE YEAR??" Well apparently, it somehow all happened.
Despite the ups and downs of junior year, both those expected and otherwise, I honestly feel like I've found some solid ground as to where I belong in my high school career. I have my classes picked for my final year, I'm going to start applying to college soon, and I have amazing friends who I love more than words. I truly feel like this year, I've grown so much as a friend, daughter, sister, and human being. I hope the thoughts I share in this blog will strike a cord with someone who reads it, and that they will be positively affected in some way. One of my goals in doing this is to affect people, and I'm going to do all that I can to do that! Enjoy (:
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